Conflicting Conflict

So in small group last night we discussed conflict and how to biblically handle it. Interesting discussion since a lot of years have been wasted because of conflict and the repercussions; you know… the fall out of situation; I have referred to it many times as ‘separating the wheat from the chaff” in relationships and friendships. Those times when trials in life show you who exactly is friend or foe; or you find yourself at odds with long time friends because of some unknown offense on your part, or even worse having to suddenly tip toe around them because of their inability to cope with their own problems. Getting back to the discussion…one of the things that came up during conversation was the legacy we leave behind by our words and actions. I esp believe if we have daughters it’s even more important to be an example of forgiveness and reconciliation, as opposed to bitterness. As women we have the tendency to want to claw the others back down to our level of petty jealousies and I have seen too many times; mothers who teach their daughters to dislike someone just because they themselves have issues with the person; I know I have been that wrong example in the past (hopefully not recent past) through my words and deeds, and thankfully my daughter has grown into an independent thinking, strong woman, who forms her own opinions, but it’s a problem I see repeated over and over with other moms and daughters (and sometimes sons). I find it culturally noteworthy the way we pass down our prejudices and biases; it has to start somewhere, right? Most likely in the home, growing and festering, until it becomes some feud handed down to generations and no one really understands what the root problem was. Look at the infamous Hatfield and McCoy feud...there is supposition as to how it started but no one in either families really know why; so sad and unnecessary. So what is the right way to handle conflict resolution? Well, scripturally it says to go to the person and attempt to resolve it amicably; to open dialogue even if you have to be the initiator and offer an apology for your part in it. Now…that poses the question “what if you don’t know what you did to offend the person?” Personally I believe (and have done this on several occasions- although it never gets easier or less nauseating :) we are to take the first opportunity to offer an olive branch. Remember: Romans 5:8 “but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us” ( Doesn’t mean you are accepting responsibility for the blame, but are simply saying you’re sorry for allowing the ill feelings to continue and you want to make things right. Now here’s the rub, the thing that took me a while to realize and it set me free! You DON’T have to be FRIENDS with them afterwards!!! How cool is that? I always thought by reconciling with someone, it meant you forgive and forget… all of the pain and hurt, and become buddies again. Not so my friends! Yes, it is imperative you forgive, mostly for yourself, because without it, you’re letting someone live rent free in your head…energy, thought, and time goes into scenarios played out in your mind (come on ladies, you all know exactly what I mean by that…we can have someone sliced, diced, and buried, in our mind faster than we can say “shoe sale at Macy’s”!) but again, all that accomplishes is wasting our time on those who most likely never gives our mutual antagonism a second thought; so not only for our own sanity, but mostly to not perpetuate the cycle with our children and grandchildren; we should make the effort, but nothing says we are to put ourselves into a situation again where the person has the ability to hurt/disappoint/ or just irritate the crap out of us again! When I leave this world, and even while living it…I want to know that my mind is my own; that no one is taking up space there tormenting me with scenes that will never be played out in real life (thankfully, because I am VERY imaginative! :) but that I have done my part to insure that I don’t leave a legacy for those I love to walk in that same resentment. Not to mention, how many chances has Christ given me to close the gap btwn the two of us because of petulance on my part? So, how can I deny others of forgiveness and expect it from the Heavens? I can’t; you can’t. I think it’s important for us to take a long look at all of our relationships/friendships, past and present and ask ourselves four important questions: 1. Are we reconciled with everyone? Although we may not be “friends” still, are we walking in forgiveness with those in our lives? 2. If there are those with whom we are still at odds, have we done our best to resolve the conflict? 3. If we haven’t done our best to reconcile, why haven’t we? Why is our discomfort with being the initiator seen to be a greater concern than Jesus’ discomfort on the cross as the initiator with us? 4. Are we passing our pettiness down to future generations? Do your children treat individuals poorly just because you do? If we can’t answer all of these questions with a virtuous answer then we need to do some soul searching and repenting. You go first! ;)