Lingering Loss

I've been thinking about Patti a lot lately...for those of you who don't know her, she is my good friend who left this life more than a year ago. I say "lately" because until recently I haven't allowed myself to really dwell on her, or her untimely departure; it's still too fresh, too raw....I avoid posts from her family and friends that remind me of her; pictures of her smiling her genuinely amicable smile...but recently, I've let myself remember some the laughs we shared, usually at our own expense, the dreams we both had for our respective families, the hopes we had for our own futures...and I struggle between the sadness of losing her, and the tinge of jealousy, that she, in all its entirety, has now realized the fullness of all there is. For Patti there are no more second guessing decisions, worrying over loved ones or even the bereft feeling of loss that those of us she touched so deeply feel daily. For Patti there is only peace and joy. I can only pretend to fathom.

The older I get the more I realize the potency of loss. Until the age of 24 when my grandparents died, I had never experienced loss; oh, I guess in reality I had, if you count neglect and disregard from parental figures (again, I am so thankful for my grandparents!) but to actually recognize the true since of loss, no, not until then. But even then....I don't think I was able to feel more than anger and bitterness at the injustice I felt for their passing; after all it was more about me, wasn't it? :) At least at 24 it was. The sadness of it all would hit me later...cut deep into the bone and bring choking tears to my eyes each time I think of either of them; forget about trying to speak of them without the searing pain of grieving. But the older I get, and the more I invest in the lives of people and allow them into my own, it seems to be even more difficult to let go; and not just permanently...even temporarily.

Since that very young and naive girl of 24 lost the two most important people in her life up to that point, I have experienced loss in many forms. Some I recognized instantly and others, it not until later that it becomes apparent it's loss; relationships lost, some for the better perhaps-but still painful; dreams diminished; hopes fade into the background because of decisions made, either by me, or by another, that would affect me...all counted as loss. And I realized during all of that, I don't deal well with loss; I guess no one really does, but mine is more of a selfish "how dare this happen to me" stance. I tend to make it all about me and mine, and I don't know how to get past that...I fully comprehend that "All things work together for those who love the Lord..." and that to be a follower of Jesus Christ is to trust Him with everything, knowing He holds my past, present, and future in the palm of His hand, BUT. How do I transform that into experiencing the loss; processing it; and then reconciling it? Please don't say "pray". I know that, every Christian knows that, and every Christian wants to hear another answer. God understands that...He understands our need for answers; after all it was He who created us to be inquisitive. Even Jesus asked "why hast thou forsaken me?" But I digress...

The lingering feeling of profound loss has been plaguing me for several years now...it causes me to see things differently...to think differently, to re-evaluate priorities and then question whether I am truly headed on the right direction with my life; whether past decisions were the right ones for me (see, there's that "me" mentality again) Whether or not I should "take the bull by the horns" so to speak and make some crucial life changes or simply slide through life as I'm doing now...living daily with consequences, some out of my control, others that just need impetus on my part... not the inertia and sour apathy in which I have been living the last few years.
As I write this, it becomes crystal clear there is an acrid and corrosive posture that has found its home in my heart and my head. Despondency, in the form of acute sadness seems to cloud so much of my thought process...warring with what I know to be true-the goodness of God; His complete ability to secure all that He has promised me, and the undying knowledge that He and He alone, will "never leave nor forsake". But what do I do with that knowledge? But knowing it still doesn't change the fact that it's ME that actually has to make, and walk out, the changes needed to ensure that I finish "the good work" that was started in me...to use the talents given, to make the most of what I've been blessed with...unfortunately I've given myself this pep talk before in the past few years, only to backslide into the muck and mire of lethargy. Its times like these I would love to blame it on PMS; unrelenting PMS, lol. Unfortunately, we all must figure out for ourselves the whys and how to's of life, and what to do with the findings. As for me, I'll continue to give myself pep talks, pour my heart out in a blog like this, and maybe even try praying about it ;)

I'm gone.